My best friend, Lizcatdog, Web MD and “Project-Based” Astrologer breaks down how 2015 will roll for all the signs we love. And all the signs we hate. For some reason when you do this sort of thing you have to include all the signs. This is in no way based on emotions or past experience. Ignore the title. It’s abt the future and it’s totally professional.
Aquarius
You’re beautiful. Don’t ever change. 2015 will be your best year yet.
Pisces
I used to think you were cool Pisces. And as a professional I don’t want to make any rash predictions, mostly because this isn’t a Web MD article, but the stars are looking prettttty sketchy right now. To say the least. It looks like it may be a year of life altering mistakes and some serious regret. Like if you don’t text me back by the end of the week. Serious, serious regret. TO SAY THE LEAST. Good luck to you. Keep taking that fish oil, you’ll need it… To. Say. The. Least.
Aries
Chillax Aries, I wouldn’t try too hard this year. The stars are telling me you’ve been a bit needy latey. I mean Jesus Christ, they’re not Jesus Christ. Take your prayers to a church and keep your feet on the ground. You look great, your career is smooth sailing and most people think you’re cool. Stop wearing hats and texting so much. Avoid friends with pets. Buy some new shoes. Go dancing on June 13.
Taurus
Grab yourself by your horns! LOL! Jupiter’s alignment with the star of Bethlehem suggests that a few dietary changes could mean everything for you this year. What I’m saying is stop eating so much fucking dairy. Be patient. Good things come to those who wait around looking for scraps that other people drop. One mans trash is another mans recycling deposit refund. Stay off the milk and the world is your $1 oyster.
Gemini
Twins rule and so do gems and so do you. Have you seen this reality television show called “The Bachelor” Gemini? From what I’m reading in the stars RN I can sum up your 2015 by borrowing a few words from rumored pyschopath and tv host Chris Harrison: this will be your most dramatic year yet. Unlike anything we’ve seen before. Featuring two widows, one virgin, enough foundation to lay a foundation and, spoiler alert, a murder. What Chris H. and I are saying is: There are no rules. You’ve got some tough alcohol fueled decision making ahead of you (+ did I mention murder?) But I’d rather chew glass and wash it down with a bag of hair then miss out on your 2015.
Ps: sincerest apologies for all the commas, I’m an astrologer, not a grammar-atition and I wrote most on this riding the g train on my blackberry.
Jk I have a samsung galaxy, obviously. because: stars. Get it?
Cancer
Sorry about your sign name.
….
Leo
Cool sign brah. I’m scrolling through my crystal star ball here and honestly I just keep swiping left. If your name rhymes with nexas then damn girl u fine. Let’s chat. Fact: YOUR year rules. Otherwise you really need to get your shit together and learn to appreciate a super hot woman when you’re eating ramen with one. Cheers people.
Virgo
Hey dawg. Honestly when I first took a look at your charts I was like wtf I can’t read charts. One thing SOON (hyperbole) became very clear – yes, your 2015 LOOKS great on the surface – but something dark lurks beneath. Your past is haunting you like a 3sum with Lord Voldermort. Time to reevaluate some of your relationships and make some new choices. Watch your back Virgo. For real. Some people are snakes and some snakes are pieces of dark wizards souls.
Libra
You’re fucking crazy. This year the stars are aligned in your favor but can they really predict your actions? No. No one can control your impulsive behavior. Not even the love of a good woman could tame you. Idiot. Keep doing your yoga and meditation but please STOP talking about it. Chill with your dog. Shave your face. Quit trying to meet girls. You already met the best one and she’s in New York. Maybe you should move.
Scorpio
You have some real thinking to do Scorpio. Do you really like tuna or do you just like mayonnaise? Do you really like chicken wings or do you just like blue cheese? Did you know JIF makes cereal now? Here’s what you need to do: Make a list of your favorite foods. Make a pro/con list for every food on that list. Now only eat the foods that have more pros than cons. It’s called the Scorpio diet. crystal_meh can help you dress for your new body type.
Sagittarius
Hey sagi, this year will bring you travel. Lots of travel. You’ll be flying through the atmosphere, sailing across the sun, making it to the milky way, for real you’re probs gonna end up with some drops of jupiter in your hair. Call it a soul vacation. When you’re back be sure to communicate with your friends, let them know which parts of your trip were overrated, or if you fell for a shooting star. Like one without a permanent scar. Sharing is caring.
Capricorn
Capri-come-again? More like Crapper-corn. More like Capri-boring. More like Cap-ritard. Sorry. I don’t really care about this sign TBH. Who are you again? I have one astrological soul mate birth date in this stupid zone, Dec. 22nd. So far the ones I’ve met have been pretty… mehhhh. Except my Aunt Sheila. She’s the best. When will they legalize aunt – niece marriage in this town? Aunt Sheila: the stars are telling me your year will be fabulous. Stay away from haunted hay rides.